WASHINGTON, D.C. — Outraged over constant caving to Democrats and the Biden Administration, House Republicans demanded a new House Speaker who would be equally worthless but maybe with different hair, or like, a cool mustache or something.

“This new house speaker will still suck, but in new and exciting ways,” said Rep. Lauren Boebert. “Like, maybe we can get a guy with, like, a weave? That’d be neat. Ooh! Or like, a tattoo of a falcon. Yeah, that’d be awesome.”

“It’s a tradition at this point,” said Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz. “We get stabbed in the back by one leader, get fed up, replace them with another leader, and find new and innovative ways to get betrayed and disappointed. Mike Johnson has not gotten the job done, so it’s time to find someone else who will also not get the job done.”

“But this time, maybe with a sweet pair of shades and he’ll say a trademark catchphrase every time he caves to the Left. That would be fun!”

Other House Republicans agreed. “We’re tired of the things Speaker Johnson has done to harm our cause,” said Kentucky Congressman Thomas Massie. “We demand a new leader who will be just as bad but in a different way. It’s the only way for us to move past this failure and continue to not accomplish any of our goals.”

At publishing time, Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene had already compiled a list of potential Republican candidates who, upon being elected Speaker of the House, would immediately turn around and abandon all reason and conservative principles.

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